here we go (again)....

... Once again I find myself back at square one... for the past year I have been on my own and struggling trying to make ends meet all while trying my best to maintain above average grades so that I can earn scholarships and grants so that I will be able to attend grad school in Atlanta..that's my dream... I want to attend Clark-Atlanta University and earn my masters in Natural History....then I would like to move to Northern Virginia and commute to work in Washington, DC and work in the Smithsonian Museum....These are my dreams but with each passing day the light of my dreams is becoming dimmer... I'm trying my best in school and I'm actually doing just fine...it's just everything outside of my life at school that's causing me so much stress and pain. Finding a job as a full time college student feels like a full time job in itself. No one wants to hire a full time student because they feel as if we wouldn't be fully committed to our jobs because we have school. i personally think that is a load of bullsh*t and employers should stop thinking this way. I feel like school is helping and hurting all at the same time. In the long run/future of course going to school will pay of, but what about the right now? What am i supposed to do to feed and clothe myself if no one is willing to hire me?...That's a question that has been burning in my mind for the past 6-8 months now... I have been continuously searching for steady employment with too many promises made and zero being kept. To be honest I'm exceptionally tired of promised phone calls and interviews and the infamous line "We will keep you in mind" or the other infamous line, "We will keep your application on file and someone will contact you when a position is open"....If I had a dime for every time that I have heard those two phrases within the last year, i wouldn't even be sitting here stressed out writing this blog, I would be a very calm, wealthy college student with no other worries other than what to cook for dinner and what to wear to school...but unfortunately, that is NOT the case. Being an independent college student and attending an HBCU (Historically Black College/University) in a small town does nothing for my morale and thinking about it too much often depletes any happy feeling that I may happen to be having. I feel like I am a 30 year old women with all this stress and problems on my mind. I'm only 19...I should be worrying about passing tests and partying with friends, but again that's not the case. I'm often worried about how I'm going to get to school because I'm tip-toeing on broke and I need gas to put in the car....I'm often worried about where my next meal will come from..I have to split pocket change between my gas tank and my stomach....and to me that is a shame... I hate asking for money because I don't want to be a burden to other people and I don't want them to perceive me as some type of bumming college kid...UGH!!!! there is just sooo much stress in my life and it seems like every time I get over one issue, another decides to rear it's ugly head and I'm back at square one...just like right now. I'm not a whiner or complainer, it's just that a person can only take so much stress and pain until they finally just break down...I feel as if I'm on the verge of a major breakdown..and I fell like there is nothing I can do to stop it....
I got one piece of good news today,I received an email regarding a job that I recently applied for and I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow at 12 noon. I've been hoping and praying all day that I get this job because I really need it....(sigh)...I'm just going to continue to pray until I fall asleep tonight and hopefully by 12:30 tomorrow I will have an answer. until then I guess I will just have to wait. But I'm hoping this interview goes well and I can move from square one into square two. HOPEFULLY.

random post

twine tastes so good cats ask for it by name

SIGH...........

I don't even know where or how to properly begin this blog. I'm sitting here very bored on a Saturday night and I have a lot of things running through my mind. I should probably go to sleep but it's too early for me to even attempt to...
I'm really just sitting here wondering why people think it's okay to be sneaky and do little petty sh*t behind your back, yet look in the face evryday as if everything is all cool. I wonder why they seem to think you're clueless to all the bullsh*t that they are involved in... I just can't stand fake people and for this particular person to be so close to is what hurts me the most... at times I feel like I should just say f*ck the fact that we are as close as we are, cuz to me if they can be so fake we aren't as close as I thought in the first place...man, wtf is wrong with me that i can't just come out to this person and express how I'm feeling???? that's the eternal question burning within me... I just don't know what to do anymore... Love used to be enough, now I'm feeling like it's not even close to being enough, like it's light years away from being close to enough. trust plays a huge role in my life and i feel as if I'm losing my trust...and idk what this person will do to regain it.. i just don't know what to do and I'm hurting everyday behind this BS...FML

<& i love him>

Having him by my side is such a blessing. I feel as if we are destined to be together and I feel as if he were to love someone else instead of me I would fall apart...

I'm not sure if he understands the magnitude of my love for him. Waking up next to him and falling asleep by his side every night is my inspiration. His smile makes me smile... I enjoy loving him.